The star of something magical

2018 changed my life forever.

 From the moment he was placed in my arms i knew he would be special. What mother wouldn’t say that, really? But to me he was all that mattered. My little Bear, who smelled like sunshine first thing in the morning; you know, that smell when you first step outside on a bright, sunny morning; thats what he smelt like. 

He had this tiny, boopable nose that scrunched up when he slept. His tiny little fingers were so strong that i couldn’t get them out from my messy hair. The way he growled when he ate was the silliest thing.

The pregnancy was so hard with him, I almost lost him so many times, but it didn’t matter anymore, because there he was. He didnt cry, in fact he was fast asleep when he was born. So quiet that i freaked out, worrying why he wasn’t screaming like you see babies do on tv. He was fine, it was just the drugs they gave me for my blood pressure that made him come out that way. 

I remember thinking to myself “gee, if he came out like this then he will definitely be an easy kid to deal with.” Oh how wrong i was. 

This tiny little Bear was the sweetest baby ever, however, like most babies, he cried alot. It felt like non stop crying all the time. But once he started walking, at 11 months mind you, everything changed. He loved food so much hed eat anything we would put in front of him. One time he has a spaghetti hat, he tipped the bowl onto his head and with the biggest smile he screamed “hat.” 

His favourite show was How to train your dragon, from the moment we brought him home from the hospital anything else we put on the tv hed get so mad about. So it was dragons non stop until he was around the 1, then it was wiggles. 

Hed sing and dance like any other child. Hed play with toys and climb things, making messes behind him wherever he went. 

And then one day, something changed, he could still walk around and dance to his shows. But the talking stopped, the playing with toys normally stopped. I honestly dont even remember when this happened, nothing major happened. We still lived at his grandparents house, his father and i were still together, everything was the same. But he wasnt. 

Instead of playing pretend he found joy in lining up his toys. Hed admire each and every one of his dinky cars before setting them down in a nice little line. Hed lay on his side once all of them were down and admire his work, ever so carefully pushing them a little but so they were perfectly lined up. 

He stopped eating everything we placed in front of him and would only eat specific foods. At one point hed only eat bologna, yes we knew it was bad for him, but it was the only thing we could get him to eat. 

One day something clicked in my mind. You see, my younger sister has autism. She wasn’t diagnosed until she was 21, but there were always signs. Things i saw her do as a kid, i started to see my son do. My son was just like my sister, so specific in everything he does. He was only 18 months; way to early to get a diagnosis, but we knew. We didnt treat him any different then normal, but we still knew. 

And then i got pregnant with my second. My little Bear, still my whole world was then no longer going to be an only child. This pregnancy was even worst then the first, i was supposed to be on bed rest the whole time, i didnt listen, I couldn’t, we needed the money. I worked every day, but had to rest at home. I wasn’t allowed to lift certain weights, but still lifted my boy. 

He was a cosleeper, refused to sleep in his own bed. So we had his aunt (who lived with us) lay in the bed when i went into labour. We rushed to the hospital. I worried the whole time about my little man. I had never spent a night without him by my side, he was never without me. 

But 4 hours of labour and one push, out came my little Bunny. We went home the next day. It was 2021 after all, there were restrictions. We got home, everything was fine. My little Bear didnt know what to think of his new sister but he did know that mama was home. He snuggled right into me and kissed me all over. He looked at my tummy and poked it as if wondering why is was now flat and squishy. His aunt told me he woke up and simply smiled at her. 

And from that moment he no longer cared if i left the room, no more anxiety over it. I think he realized that mama would always come back. 

Postpartum hit me hard. Ill go over that another time. But we also were being evicted. I gave birth in April and we had to be out in June. The housing crisis was so bad we had to move into my parents house (my husbands parents are who we were living with before). 

Little Bear took the move hard. Hed keep saying “go home” every day. Thats the phrase id say when wed go out and it was time to go home. 

Finally he started to realize that this was our new home. Were still living here. My parents have a second home 4 hours away so they rent the main house to us. My husband and i got married in July 2022 and little Bear walked me down the isle. Little bunny whos now almost 2 was in her daddys arms. 

Then December 2022 little bear took the autism assessment. We got the phone appointment for results. He has autism, i knew what the results would be. I thought i was prepared. But i still balled my eyes out. I wasn’t ready to hear this. I cried so hard we had to rebook the appointment for in person and with my husband there. We also found out he has a learning disability that may or may not stick with him for life. But the autism will always be there. 

We found out that my husbands brother also has autism, so with each of our families having it, chances were high for us to have a kid on the spectrum.   

I dont know what else life will bring, but i know that with my Bear and my Bunny by my side; things will be ok.